DruJohnston.com

Summer is to Good Beer what Death is to Man.

I feel completely confident coming out and saying that, because any one who legitimately enjoys summer beers couldn’t win in a fight with a five year old girl. I am not a five year old girl, simply a misplaced 20 something Seattleite who grew up with Stouts, Porters and Brown Ales. Simply a man who watched with horror as beer with any ounce of flavor began disappearing as the NYC heat and humidity began rising. The beer industry is damn lucky I love drinking so much, or else Summertime’s easy living would take a back seat to sobriety, productivity and copious amounts of water. Also I’m mildly addicted. So they’re lucky there too.

But with this flaming hatred still fresh in my blood after trying a Sam Adams summer brew I’ve decided that enough is enough. Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. People consistently say that to defeat your enemy you have to delve into the recesses of their brain. Get to know them. So I’ve drafted the first menu for my summer ale brewery I’m going to start up. Once I figure out the summer ale brewer’s motivation, I’ll be one step closer to destroying the ale that ruins the sanctity of the word “beer.” Let’s bring them down from the inside.

Welcome to Dru Brew, the BEST in summer ales!
To see a list of available beer please see below.

Passion fruit/Guava/Mango Pale Ale
Nothing says delicious like a nice infusion of ridiculously strong fruits into a mild ale. With strong overtones of Passion Fruit, Guava and Mango, and very very mild overtones of actual beer, this Summer Ale is certainly one to right home about. Everywhere else you go you get fruit infused in things that make life worth living, so why not take a chance here.
$6 – 1.5% alc. – Comes in a juice box – Totally safe for children

Dru’s Drinkability Lite
Step aside Bud Light. Turns out that you’re not the most drinkable anymore. Dru’s Drinkability Lite is the newest in weak summer beers that are very easy to drink. Exceedingly cheap, exceedingly weak, exceedingly 99.98% water. You’ll be able to drink and drink and drink and stay very hydrated and not drunk at all.
$7 – .02% alc. – Comes in a Dasani bottle – Actually, this is just Dasani

Sombrero Cerveza, with a hint of lime
Nothing says summer like Mexico. Mexico is hot, so is summer! So let’s sit back and enjoy this fiesta with Dru’s new Sombrero Cerveza, with a hint of lime. With very strong hints of Corona, the artificial lime juice already infused in the bottle to add a nice Bud Light with Lime flavor, and a hilarious Mexican caricature wearing a sombrero on the bottle, this is the beer for summer time. Embrace our southern neighbor. Ole!
$5 – 4.5% alc. – Racist character on the bottle must be adored, not mocked

Hefeweizen
We’ll be real with you. This is just plain not good. Unless you consider orange juice beer.
$7 – 4% alc. – Comes with multiple pieces of chopped fruit and two scrunchies for your pigtails.

Dru’s Generic Summer Ale
This is THE summer ale that encompasses all other summer ales. Dru’s Generic Summer Ale has that awful orange food coloring color that mark all it’s brethren, and offers you more carbonation/fruit flavor than you could shake a stick at. When you drink this generic summer ale you get a feeling that your tasting an amalgamation of every summer ale you’ve ever drank. You also feel like what you’re tasting is a mixture of club soda, gin and the leftover milk from a bowl of Fruity Pebbles. But that’s what summer time is all about isn’t it? This kind of beer?
$8 – 4% alc. – Served with a wide opening at the top of the bottle, perfect for catching your tears after you realize that summer time has destroyed the best beverage created by man.

Thank you for visiting Dru Brew!
If you have any questions about the selection feel free to ask your server.

Let it be noted though, that the server will recommend you leave this place and go to a place that serves something halfway decent… i.e. not summer beers.

I will open this brewery, and I’m 95% certain it will be successful. Blue moon is successful. I see no reason why this should not be.

An edited version of this article was originally published in Uncle Magazine #3.