Some people watch it for the game, some for the rivalry and some for the commercials… but the writers at the New York Post watch the superbowl to come up with horrible headlines for their sports section. Here are a list of possible headlines I’m looking forward to seeing tomorrow on the back of the paper as I ride the subway to work.
If the Steelers Win
Screw Driver! – If Donald Driver drops the game winning catch in the endzone.
Green Bay Feeling Blue – If Aaron Rodgers starts crying in the 4th quarter.
Roethlisberger Rapes Again – If he has an amazing (and probably douchey) game.
Roethlisberger Rapes Again, Also Wins the Superbowl – If he runs into the stands and assaults a girl in the third quarter (probable), then comes back on the field and wins the game.
Steeling the Win – If they have an amazing fourth quarter comeback… or if the writer forgets how to spell ‘Stealing’.
If the Packers Win
Roth-LESS-Berger – Okay, that’s a bit of a stretch.
Anybody Got Any Cheeeeeese? – If Jaleel White is seen on the sideline with a cheese head hat. If that happens though, I guarantee there will be no article about the game, just about Jaleel White in a cheesehead hat.
Mr. Rodgers Neighborhood! – Complete with a huge picture of Aaron Rodgers laughing… and holding several puppets while wearing a sweater
Polamalu-sers – I genuinely don’t want this to be the case because I think he’s charming.
Justice! Roethlisberger Rapes Himself – If Big Ben throws an interception for a Green Bay game winning touchdown. What an ass.
If either team wins
JETS did not win – If the JETS don’t win. I can guarantee we’ll see this one.
Remember when the Giants won that one time? Amazing. – That catch was still fucking epic.
Of course there’s always the possibility Brett Favre texts another dick pic… than all bets are off.
My name is Dru. I'm a writer, comedian and improviser in New York City via Seattle. I'm wearing a dog collar in this picture, and drinking a PBR. Explanation complete.